Fondest memories

  I will always look back at that fateful day with fondness; if you catch me smiling to myself, it would be most likely that I'm walking down memory lane, re-living that day.

The day started like every other day, no indication whatsoever of what it held in store. The weather was not sunny like the fairy tale renditions of an earth shattering day; and definitely not as predicted in the weather forecast. A cloud hung low in the sky, and the air was chilly. It was mid-June, and you could see people walking about with umbrellas, prepared for another day of downpour.

‘'oh not again'' I groaned inwardly as I left the house that morning. It had been raining all week and I hated carrying umbrellas, well I never owned one; it was just too much of a burden for me to carry about. I never believed the weather forecasters- they were all guessing as far as I was concerned;  and they usually are more wrong than right most of the time- but I was silently hoping their prediction would be right; it was high time the sun shone in the skies again.

There was nothing at all unusual about the day that would have indicated that something special or someone special would enter my life.

It was around 2pm in the afternoon after a busy morning in the clinics, during my lunch break. I finally had a few minutes to myself to rest and have some moment of peace and quiet. I was emotionally and physically drained; the work can do that to you. You needed all your energies to keep calm and offer help and hope to people in different forms of pain and different states of agitation.     

That day, I decided to stay back in my office and grab a doughnut and a bottle of coke for lunch; I wasn't really hungry. Or perhaps I was too tired to go out. While eating I decided to go ‘face-booking'.

And that was when I met her. A friend request. I was reluctant at first, I hadn't seen her before but I saw we had a mutual friend- a close friend of mine. Soon curiosity overcame me and I accepted the request.

Now one year later, I still smile at the memory of that day, of that moment; that moment of contemplation and inner debate- you see I'm a very private person and I don't make friends easily, ‘'closed up'' you'd say. That singular moment, that singular decision changed my life.

Funny how your life can change at the  click of a button…..

Zaphnathpaaneah

011112

Touch me not!

  The touch-me- not plant, mimosa pudica, derives its name from a Latin word that means shy or shrinking.  It closes at any touch, whether man or insect. I remember the first time I discovered the plant- way before I learnt about it in biology class, I was fascinated by it. In biology, it is one of the self preservative instincts that characterize life.

I used to be a “touch me not” homo sapien. I avoided any human contact especially any that had the potential of developing into a deep and meaningful relationship, both with males and females. I couldn’t bear to be hurt or betrayed or feel disappointment. I relied on no one and trusted no one. I spent most of my growing years and early adult life alone; it was safer that way, I wouldn’t hurt anyone nor be hurt by any. It was a no risk life. I had this iron wall around me that kept people out, and I kept the gate close always and didn’t allow anyone in.

Things began to change when I met this particular lady, who refused to be shut out; she cared enough to repeatedly knock on the door and when it wasn’t opening, scaled the wall and gained access to my heart. At first it was scary, I didn’t know what to do but then it began to feel good; letting someone in was not such a bad thing after all. I experienced the joys of sharing, of confiding in someone and bonding. I realized for the first time, how lonely I was, and that rather than living, I was hiding.

Next came the thing that I feared most- heart break. It was painful, and traumatic and almost unbearable. How did ‘honey’ turn to ‘wormwood’? I was reminded why I had shielded my heart from people all along. But as the hurt lessened, I began to reminisce on the happy memories and realized that those were the best days of my life. The pain I was experiencing was a confirmation of how much joy I had derived from sharing my heart with someone. It wasn’t anyone’s fault that hurt came by, it is an inevitable part of life, and that shouldn’t keep me from living.

So, I decided not to shirk or shrink or hide from human contact; I wasn’t going to be allow the fear of getting hurt deprive me of experiencing the joys of sharing and fellowship. I wasn’t going to close my heart or build a wall around me; I would be accessible and I would give people a chance to know me and be involved in my life, and I in theirs.

Now, I have great friends, who I will forever be grateful that I met. They have contributed immensely to my life; I am a much better person because of their influence. I can’t imagine not having them in my life. Yes, I have been hurt many a times, I have been disappointed (luckily, not been betrayed) and felt pain from the people that I allowed in but that’s what makes it more satisfactory; the pain makes the joys meaningful, and I learn from them. The truth was I wasn’t living when I hid away my heart, I merely existed. Now, I have a chance to impact and contribute to people’s lives and I can have mine influenced positively. It’s such a beautiful thing.

Hiding away isn’t always better than opening up. The hibiscus flower allows its nectar to be sucked by bees and in  the process, its pollen are harvested and propagated leading to cross pollination and the breeding of healthier offspring which resist extinction. It is bright and colorful, and lends a cheer to any environment it is found in.

Zaphnathpaaneah

011112

The Unveiling

  The door opened and there she was, walking down the aisle towards him, each step carefully placed in front of the other. She had chosen a more traditional style with a high neckline and long sleeves, with a floor length skirt and embroidered bodice. It was simple and she looked absolutely stunning. Only she could wear something so simple elegantly. She was fumbling with the skirt and raised it with both hands to walk properly while the chief bridesmaid gathered her train behind her. The music was playing softly and there was a general bustle as several heads turned towards her.

He could tell the moment she saw him, although her steps did not falter, there was a subtle spring to her steps like she was gliding towards him. He could not see her face through the layer of white lace that covered her eyes but he could tell she was smiling and he knew that her eyes were twinkling like they always did whenever she was excited about something.

He watched her make her way slowly towards him and he was awed at how beautiful she looked. He remembered thinking the same thoughts four years ago when he first saw her, and his mouth had hung open just like they were now.

He had been in front of the library talking to a friend, who was coming out from the library while he was going in. He remembered he had been mildly irritated at the intrusion; he had an important exam the next day and all he could think of was the volumes of pages to be covered and here he was listening to his friend talking about the premier league match of the previous day. His friend was giving him a summary of the match as he had missed the match himself. He was listening half mindedly looking for the best way to ditch his friend who was getting excited with each word.

Then he saw her.

She was walking down the stairs alongside two of her friends each on either side of her. She had been laughing in a carefree manner at something the lady on her right had said, throwing her head backwards revealing the delicate skin on her neck. Her voice had carried to where he was standing and it enveloped him, delightful to his ears. He had remembered thinking that he would be a lucky man if he were to hear that laughter every day of his life.  

Then she had looked at him at that moment with those light brown eyes which were twinkling and he had felt like she could see into his soul and read his thoughts. Abruptly, her laughter died and her eyes lingered on his for a second longer and he felt a tingling sensation all the way down his spine to his toes, and he suddenly felt hot. She looked flustered too, as she quickly averted her gaze and stared at her legs as she made her way past him.

It was then he realized that his friend had stopped talking and he struggled to recall what he had said. When he finally looked at his friend he was chuckling softly and moments later burst into a roaring laughter that made his cheeks all hot. He could feel the heat rushing to his cheeks as he realized that he had just been caught ogling a girl in public. His friend was saying something about him finally being interested in a lady but he was still trying to wrap his head around the meaning of that zing of electricity that had run through his body and still making his nerve endings sing.

Moments later, when he was settled in his chair in the library, he had been unable to concentrate on the book opened before him. All he could see was the way her eyes lit up when she laughed and the way her yellow top had clung to her body and accentuating her curves. What he couldn’t shake was her penetrating gaze that seemed to reach into the deepest part of his soul making him feel exposed and bare. He knew then that he had to see her again. He had to get to know her.

It had taken about a year to get her to date him, and another year before she said ‘yes’ to his marriage proposal.

She was walking down the aisle towards him now, and he thought to himself how lucky he was to have found someone he could call his soul mate. Yes, Lucy was his soul mate. She was almost at the altar now….

And then she was standing next to him in front of the altar. He was smiling sheepishly when he lifted the veil from her face. Yes, there was that twinkling in her eyes as she smiled back at him, conveying in that one smile her deepest affection and love. His heart constricted and he knew he was the luckiest man alive. He never thought there could be such love as she has shown him till now but he could see in her eyes the promise of more. The exchange of vows came and the service passed quickly and it was time to kiss the bride.

He leaned forward and held her face in his hands and kissed her softly and in that one kiss the promise of something magical when they were alone. She seemed to be replying him with her kiss too. And then she moaned softly, barely imperceptible but he felt it deep in his belly. He couldn’t wait to be alone in the room with her…..

The room began to be dim and he could only see her outline like a silhouette against the light…

He felt a hand on his bare chest caressing him gently and moving down towards his belly and felt his body respond in a primal way. With half open eyes he leaned across to kiss her, whispering her name, rolling it on the tip of his tongue, tasting its sweetness…

Then the hand stopped. He opened his eyes squinting against the light that was streaming in through the slit in the curtains.  Staring back at him with narrowed eyes was his newly wedded bride, naked from the waist up with her hands supporting her head and the other balled into fist on his tummy, close to his solar plexus….

‘’who is Lucy?’’ she asked…….  

Zaphnathpaaneah
291012  

looking inwards: the journey to finding purpose

In the quest for greatness, success and purpose, most people usually do not know how to go about it. Buried in each one of us is that burning desire to leave an impact in the sands of time, to exit with a bang.

Most people feel unfulfilled and live daily with a yearning for something better and we ask ourselves "is this all there is to life?" or we wonder "why am i here?". Most often than not the answer eludes us.

Some give up and become content with living one day to the other, others attempt to find a sense of purpose in defining their own version of success and greatness which ultimately leads to more dissastifaction and confusion. Still there are others that look to religion and forces outside of them. They search but they get it wrong because they are looking in the wrong places.

Finding purpose, living the fulfulling life, achieving greatness and making an impact all comes from within. What we need to do exploits is buried within our core. it is that yearning we feel, it's that source of disatisfaction that makes us yearn for more.

Most of us look for the inspiration outside, we look to others and around us for guidance but we are our own inspiration, our own wellspring. Quoting from the Bible, a famous sage said "i will look up unto the hills from whence cometh my help..." and we are so quick to take this statement as absolute truth that our sucess and inspiration are from a higher power.

Recalling stories told of exploits and purposeful lives of great men it is quite apparent that these men had to look Inwards to find that inner strength that pushed them to make history. Moses at the red sea: he was in a dilemma and he cried unto God. What did God tell him? "why are you crying unto me? Tell the israelites to move forward.....stretch the rod that is in your hands...".

In other words God said "stop wasting your breath..go do something! And Moses, what you need to overcome is right in your hands!". The rod in Moses' hands had become God's mode of bringing salvation to His people, only he(Moses) had not realized it! But when he did, that rod went on to do many marvellous things in his hands.

Gideon, the great warrior in declaring war against the syrians shouted "The sword of the Lord and of Gideon" and this while holding just a pitcher and a lamp! This was after God had shown him some signs and led him into the enemies camp to show him what He has put inside of him. And when Gideon realized this, victory was inevitable. The list is endless.

Putting it all in perspective, are we saying God has no place? Not at all. But what God does is to give you a compass and a map with a location to finding that which he has put inside you that will help you. It is still you that has to take that journey inside and find what he has put there- that source of strength, the force of life and resources you will need.

Now taking that journey inward is not as easy as it sounds. The road is rough, filled with constant distractions.

First is the fear of what we will find: will it be according to what we had been thinking was our life's mission all along? Most times what we take as life goals or as the definition of success is far from what we are meant to achieve.

Second is the fear of greatness. Somebody noted that our deepest fear is not that of inadequacy but that we are powerful beyond measure. We do not want to believe that we have greatness inside us or that we are capable of greatness. Most times we define ourselves by the events of the past or the mistakes and mess ups of the past or what people tell us or how they see us and we conclude that we are no good and that nothing great can come out of us.

Third is impatience. The journey inward is painstakingly slow and most times we do not know where and how to start. We do not know what to look for. And we are in a haste to achieve greatness and there are so many alluring shortcuts. Sadly all end in frustration.

Many today wake up everyday with no sense of direction, all that guide them are daily routines which lack meaning. Many cannot answer the question of "who am i?" and most times define themselves by their job or title or possessions. We are much more than that! We are unique, made for a purpose.

Not finding this makes life dull, boring and meaningless. It is then easy to follow people's ideologies and develop passion about someone else's philosophy. We become slaves in our mind and follow blindly anyone that seems to have an idea of what life is all about. Then fanaticism, sychophancy and blind zeal is born. "in the absence of vision, the people perish". When there is no insight to who we are, no illumination about why we are created, no sense of direction as to which path to take in life, there will be destruction.

Many seek someone to tell them what to do and how to lead their lives and give them a life purpose all because they have not learnt to take that journey inward. Taking a journey inwards makes us to know who we are, our strengths and weaknesses, our talents and potentials, what drives us and what we are passionate about. It strips us of cultural impositions, family and societal expectations and demands. It breaks the hold of conforming to others' ideals or image of who we are and helps us to stop living a lie or living to please people.

Then we will become true to ourselves and embrace our uniqueness and harness our potentials and become great and make an impact. Then life becomes a joy, zest for living returns and life becomes meaningful and fulfilling. Stop looking outward, look upward for directions and look inwards to find yourself, take that painful journey and when you do, your life will definitely be different and you will live a purposeful life.

A date with madness

 I laughed to myself and talked to my new found, long lost friend Charles. Charles and I were best of friends in primary school but we lost touch ever since then. He has really changed, now he is jovial and mischievous! Oh the things he tells me. Just now he was telling me how he was arranging with some of his friends to plan a tour for me across the globe to perform my new song. The funny thing is that I am no artist! In fact, I am tone deaf. I know he was just pulling my legs. Sometimes he would be running a commentary on my action in a sing song manner and would make me reel with laughter. But I get worried sometimes, because he wouldn’t allow me to concentrate on tasks. Not that it matters anyways, I don’t really enjoy doing anything anymore, Charles keeps me company all day.

I noticed people staring at me and I wonder why. I asked Charles why people were staring but he seemed to be pre-occupied because I could hear him muttering to some people, who I wasn’t familiar with. The sun was high overhead and I was getting hot and sweaty, and my throat was feeling a little dry. I began to wonder when we will get to where we were going. I was getting uncomfortable, lately, Charles has started becoming distracted a lot, and there are times like now when I hear him muttering to other people.

To tell the truth, I was becoming jealous. He was now finding my company monotonous or boring, whereas I was totally enjoying his. The most annoying thing is that I couldn’t hear a word of what they were saying, so that I’ m completely cut off from their discussion. Now I am beginning to think they might be discussing me amongst themselves. The thought sent a roiling in my insides; I couldn’t imagine Charles betraying me that way.

Just then, I heard them laughing and for the first time, I heard a whiff of what they were laughing about. One of the other unknown had made a comment about the size of my head and to my surprise, Charles was laughing too. Another one was making another comment but I didn’t want to listen, I put my hands to my ears and turned back and was running back home.

I heard Charles voice protesting that we weren’t there yet, and that there was something interesting he wanted to show me but, I couldn’t bear the sound of his voice and I ran faster.

Back home, I hid my head under the pillow and wept. I felt humiliated and embarrassed and above all betrayed. My emotions were in a jam; a mixture of sadness and disappointment and anger. How could Charles? He knew that I had always felt that my head was too big and it was him that had made me come to terms with my looks saying that I was perfect the way that I am. How could he now turn around and join the stranger- though friends of his- to mock me, and on such a sore subject. Yes, Charles had really changed. Obviously, he is now one that could use a friend’s weakness to taunt him. I felt really disappointed in him.

I stayed in bed all day and all night not wanting to talk to anybody, the light in my bedroom was switched off- it was a dark day. I was not interested in eating or drinking or even standing up from where I laid down. My sleep was poor that night and I kept waking up intermittently, only to fall back into a fitful sleep. I kept having this recurring dream where my head was the size of a giant melon and Charles and his friends were rolling on the floor laughing at me.

I woke up the next day feeling tired and not any better. Then Charles was around, speaking to me softly and gently. At the sound of his voice, the memories came flooding and with it a white hot anger. I shouted at him to get away from me and in anger threw the pillow against the wall which caught the wall clock on the far side of the room. The wall clock came crashing down to the floor and the glass shattered. This further fueled my anger.

For a while Charles was silent, but not for long. This time it wasn’t soft or gentle, it was loud and dripping with malice. He said mean things to me; he mocked me and said a lot of demeaning things. I tried to ignore him but it was almost impossible. It was like his presence was everywhere in the room and I was beginning to get claustrophobic in the room. I had to get out of the room, I thought to myself.

With the thought, I jumped to my feet and ran out of the room. I passed my mother on the way to the door and she looked at me strangely, a mixture of fear and worry in her eyes. But there was something else, something I couldn’t place. I suddenly became self conscious and Charles voice came barging into my thought, he was saying I had a very large head. Maybe she was staring at my really large head. Was it mockery or disgust that I saw in her eyes? How can a mother join others in mocking her own child? I was livid. I suddenly felt a strong urge to hit her, and I was on the verge of doing that when I caught myself. How could I ever think of hitting my mother? My mother!

All of a sudden, I was filled with shame. I was ashamed at myself for ever thinking of hitting my own mother. And for the first time in my life, I knew what it felt like to hate someone. I hated Charles in that moment. I realized that her mouth was moving and that she must be saying something. I only caught the last word “horrible’’. Even my mother thought I was horrible. I couldn’t stand it anymore.  I rushed out of the house not having a particular destination in mind. It didn’t occur to me that I had not showered nor changed my cloth. What did it matter anyways?  It wouldn’t change the fact that I was ‘’horrible’’.

As I walked along the streets, I discovered that everybody was looking at me and they huddled in groups making fun of me. Even the young children playing on the roadside were snickering and giggling casting sideway glances at me.

I couldn’t bear it anymore, and I began to shout at the top of my voice.

‘’This is me. This is me. What are you staring at? Am I not human like you?’’ and then the need to prove my humanity became overpowering and I began to remove my cloth till I was stark naked

‘’Now you can stare all you want’’ I shouted

Then the voice came again, low but with such force ‘’you are mad. Just look at yourself’’

At the same time, I heard her voice; it came as a shrill cry, filled with so much pain and agony

‘’Somebody help me! My son has gone mad’’

I looked back and saw my mother half naked on the floor weeping…..